A Golden New Future

Well, what an extraordinary time to be a fan of Gloucestershire cricket. Here we are on March 1^st 2032 for the opening day of cricket at The Acton Turvile Arena. The new home of (South) Gloucestershire County Cricket Club.

How apt that the stadium opening should coincide with the first season, to be seasonally adjusted in line with latest Climate Emergency protocols. This year the season will run from the start of March to the end of June, before pausing during July and August as it is now unsafe for players and spectators to be at games during the extreme heat period. The season then picks up again between Mid-September and the end of October. Isn’t it funny to think about the way people complained when the ECB bravely protected fans of the Championship game in the early 2020’s by refusing to stage games during the height of summer. What visionaries they were. 

The good news is that the new stadium is built with maximum spectator comfort in mind, should the “Summer Furnace” arrive early. More on that later.

Today we see the start of a 5 day championship game. Again, a first as the new 15 minute advert breaks every hour, on the live stream comes into effect for the first time. Of course, during the lunch interval there will be the money spinning 50 ball game between South West Solar’s and Tasmania Tornadoes who flew in from Australia yesterday. It’s expected that the 20, 000 capacity will be reached for that hour, before crowd numbers drop back to the normal numbers in the low hundreds. 

As expected, the Gloucestershire squad, will for the first time, be entirely made up, of members of one family. It’s actually rather odd that it took Gloucestershire so long to work out that this was the way towards sustained success. Way back in the late 19^th century the club lead the way with the Grace brothers, W.G, E.M, G.F and the oddly named Henry, plus cousin Walter Gilbert (of whom the less said the better). The pattern was occasionally pursued but started to come back in fashion in the 2020’s with firstly the Taylor brothers, who were then joined by the Price brothers and the Charlesworth brothers. Results started to improve, though some cricketers from families with no cricketing siblings complained, the hierarchy at the club had the vision to see that domestic bliss could lead to cricketing success. There may be some potential for confusion amongst commentators, fortunately though the players will be using their initials and sponsor names. There are high hopes for C.D.G TikTok and P.W.J. Amazon for the coming season. It is though understood, that sadly , the surprisingly youthful Ian Randall has asked to stand down, as he fears that the potential for mistaken identity is too high. A sad loss for the county, after many years of service.

What then of the stadium? Well, every seat is padded, and has an optional recliner function. There is also a 15” tablet to allow viewing of the live stream. Drinks and snacks may be ordered via the tablet, then will be delivered by drone, with payment being added onto your membership card. For the colder days, unlikely but still possible, the seats can be heated, and a complimentary thermos flask can be requested. 

There is great excitement amongst the dwellers of the flats in the old Seat Unique stadium. A series of hydraulic trucks will move the recently “loosened” flats from Bristol, along the M4, dropping them into the south facing end of the ground. The test run was mainly successful, though it was pointed out that having reached the new ground smoothly, the footings that the flats were dropped onto had been curved the wrong way, meaning that the flats were facing the fascinating vista of distant Pucklechurch, rather than the playing arena. Reassurances have been given that this issue has now been resolved.

More good news for fans, is the fleet of driverless vehicles that has been arranged to ferry them to the slightly isolated new stadium. New Transport manager Andy Brassington will coordinate the fleet. Collecting fans from a convenient pickup point, allowing them to drink all day, then be dropped home again. It’s understood that former player, and current legend Jack Russell Will make his own way to games as he does not want anyone to know where he lives. 

As we also know, each captain will have the right to have two “fan votes” on appeals during each innings. It is commonly accepted now that in the past, experts have had far too much influence over deciding the key moments in cricket. The chance for the public to play a more active role in determining the outcome of games, is long overdue. Britain has a long and successful history of public referendums. From Bexit to Eurovision, the people has shown that although they may not get everything absolutely right, they relish the chance to tackle a complex situation, making a decision, without taking too much time thinking about the consequences. At last, this concept can be bought to the game of cricket, with Gloucestershire proudly at the forefront.

For the traditionalists amongst the crowd there will be a special area set aside, where any ground announcements will be muffled and delivered slightly late. This retro feature is expected to prove popular with some of the younger crowd, who look to replicate the experience that their parents talk so fondly of.

All then is set fair for the next chapter in the history of the “Glorious Glosters”. What can possibly go wrong?